Today marks three months home. Three months of this little munchkin in our lives, and although I am not a religious person and this word usually comes tacked with a sacred tone, I can’t described this fact with anything but we are blessed. I know very well the legal processes and steps it took to get us to Tesfanesh, and vice versa, but I just can’t wrap my mind around the shear luck of it all. Pure fate. If we would have handed in our paperwork a day later, if we would have never opened up our age request, if we would have decided on using a different agency… anything – and our little girl would not be ours. She would be somebody else’s. I shudder to think.
We are indeed blessed.
Lately though, with this unbelievable feeling of gratitude and blessings, I also hold quite a bit of sadness and guilt around, too. Sadness for my little girl, whom has made strides of epic proportions since her arrival in the U.S., but still holds so much grief and confusion. I stated in a previous post that she loves to look at pictures of the other Ethiopian children playing in the courtyard from the week we traveled to pick her up, but there is actually one little girl in particular that Tes doesn’t so much like seeing. I know these girls were good friends, the reports from CHS before our travel talked about them playing together, plus I also have video from the agency of Tes during her time at the orphanage, and this little girl is in quite a bit of the footage. They spoke the same language before they came to the Amharic speaking care center, and the impression I got was she was a great comfort to my sensitive little girl. But, Tes quiets down when we get to her pictures, and if she says her name at all, it is in a quiet, sullen voice, much unlike the chanting and laughing with the other kids. She wants to move on to the next picture. It’s incredibly sad to watch.
As an adult, I know and understand the world is a terribly unfair place, and that is even considering myself a fairly optimistic person. But bad things happen to good people. As adults, we are able to acknowledge these events and trudge on with our lives. It absolutely breaks my heart, though, more than I ever imagined it would before I laid eyes on my daughter, that she has already had to learn this lesson of supreme unfairness and hurt. How could a two-year old possibly make sense of this tragedy where she is the main character, but has absolutely no control of the proceedings?
I had started to recount our trip in a post previously and only made it to the second day, before we even met Tesfanesh, promising to continue the story later. Although it is true, our family has been very busy, it isn’t because of my schedule that I haven’t continued with the story. It is more because I feel that no words I can come up with will really do the experience any kind of justice. I’m going to totally bungle it up, the most important week of my life, and there it will be out there in cyberspace for eternity, not conveying nearly what it really should have.
But to properly explain why I feel so much guilt, I need to let everyone in on one extremely important day in our trip, and in indeed my life. We have been fairly quiet about Tesfanesh’s past, and will continue to do so, but one fact that seems to be widely known is that her Ethiopian Mother is indeed living. We do not hide this fact, because we respect her completely, and do not want Tes to feel like her first mother is a big secret as she grows. Brad and I had the privilege of traveling to meet this extraordinary woman, and it was in this meeting that I came to a very heavy-hearted realization – this woman did not make the decision to relinquish her child, the decision had been made for her by the situations and events surrounding her. Just as, to ease my saddened soul, I had been continually telling myself I was not responsible for the events that lead Tesfanesh to becoming an orphan, I realized tearfully in that meeting that her mother hadn’t, either. It was not her mother that caused the lack of available work. It was not her mother that caused the cultural stigmas and the widespread lack of proper education. It was not her Mother that caused the current drought and severe famine, which she and her family are at this moment, most probably suffering the effects of. These were all situations out of her control, all culminating to the event of her having to make the long, dusty, tearful walk to the city, to hand over her only beloved daughter to the mercy of strangers. I can tell you with certainty, this tiny, brave woman wants to be raising Tesfanesh, not us. But, I was born here, in the land of opportunity and drinkable water (it is amazing to me how much water really makes a difference – in ways I would never had imagined before), and she was born there, in a country much richer than the U.S. in soul and heritage and beauty, but withering in political angst, poverty, and once again, famine. Whose fault is that? Does that make me a more deserving mother for Tesfanesh, or just one with more resources at her disposal? Hopefully I can find the answers before Tesfu gets old enough to ask me these herself, otherwise I’m afraid my answer is just always going to be ‘I love you more than you can know, and I am very, very sorry.”
I can say honestly a piece of my heart broke in Ethiopia, and will never properly heal and be the same again. But, at the same time, my heart also expanded to probably twice its size (how very ‘Grinch Stole Christmas’ of me to say), and this trip changed and fixed things I didn’t even understand needed fixing. I love more than I ever imagined it was even possible to love, and in a broader sense see humanity in an entirely different view.
My little family has become my world, and I wake up each morning to see my Tesfanesh’s sweet face. Happy three months home, Little One. Mommy and Daddy love you very, very much.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Sleep
After two Mommy-sized temper-tantrums thrown by your truly (not my proudest moments) and non-stop Tes-sized tantrums by Little One this weekend - all revolving around sleep times - Brad and I decided we absolutely MUST come up with a strict nap / bedtime ritual. The line has been drawn in the sand - Mama just can't do this anymore. I'm exhausted, and quite frankly, Tes is, too.
This kid (as well I am sure every 2.5 year old kid) NEEDS sleep. She become an aggressive, upset, crazed maniac on weekends when a nap is refused to be taken. I have a deep scratch on my cheek to prove it... owie.
So, being first time parents, we didn't really know what our fantastic but strict new bedtime rules would be, but oh-boy, were we enthusiastic. My hope was this was going to be the turning point, she would be oh-so-well-rested from now on, and we would no longer be inviting 'Crazy-Tes' into our home each evening, because, quite frankly, on weekdays that is the only time we get to see Tes is in the evenings.
Before coming home, she had never slept in a room alone. So, our strategy in the beginning was that I would lay with her, me laying at the foot of my bed, and her in her little toddler bed butted right up to the end of Brad and I's bed. We were in two separate beds, but close enough we could hold hands. Even though it set up a bad habit, I don't regret a minute of it. She NEEDED that. There was no way in Hades my kiddo was falling asleep when she first came home without some serious hand-holding, rocking, singing, more rocking, more hand-holding...
Anyway, to today - she just doesn't need it to be that intense anymore. She falls asleep at daycare fabulously, without a hitch. But, she still has a lingering fear of abandonment when Mom and Dad are involved, which has reared its ugly head in the form of potty accidents out of shear fright. (Breaks my heart when that happens... I'm never going to leave you, kiddo! I was just running downstairs to change the laundry loads...) So, though we decided I wasn't going to lay next to her and hold her hand anymore (provided way too many excuses for night-time entertainment just to stay awake) - I knew I had to stay in the room.
Without further ado, here is our new bedtime schedule:
8:15 - All three of us upstairs, Tes brushes teeth and puts on pjs.
8:20 - A timer is set for 10 minutes, all three of us lay in the big bed playing whatever Tes wants to play or just cuddling.
8:30 - Timer goes off, Tes gets lots and lots of kisses, is put in her bed, and Mom plops her butt into a camping chair we've brought upstairs. I only respond to having to go potty. Otherwise, I just totally ignore the pleas for everything from a new blanket to bandaids (which for the first two nights was very, very difficult).
The first night (Sunday) was excruciating. For a full hour, she cried for Brad and I, and for me to lay in my bed next to her. It was more exhausting than the weekend of Mommy's tantrums. The second night was shorter, but proved to me how clever my little girl really is. Only 15 minutes of crying, but this time it was 'Mommy! Mommy! Kisses! *smooch* *smooch* Mommy! Kisses!' Oh yes, that is right. I had to resist my child begging for me to give her kisses, and just sit there in the dark. But she stopped well short of the hour Sunday took, and fell asleep within another 20 minutes. Yesterday, and today, there was no crying at all - so I feel we've sorta' reached our goal already - but it is still taking her an extraordinary amount of time to fall asleep. Like 45 minutes. She tosses and turns. Makes me wonder what is going through that little mind, what it is that is keeping her up at night. I hope it is not that she hopes and prays that her Mommy would come and hold her hand...
Peaceful sleeping to you.
This kid (as well I am sure every 2.5 year old kid) NEEDS sleep. She become an aggressive, upset, crazed maniac on weekends when a nap is refused to be taken. I have a deep scratch on my cheek to prove it... owie.
So, being first time parents, we didn't really know what our fantastic but strict new bedtime rules would be, but oh-boy, were we enthusiastic. My hope was this was going to be the turning point, she would be oh-so-well-rested from now on, and we would no longer be inviting 'Crazy-Tes' into our home each evening, because, quite frankly, on weekdays that is the only time we get to see Tes is in the evenings.
Before coming home, she had never slept in a room alone. So, our strategy in the beginning was that I would lay with her, me laying at the foot of my bed, and her in her little toddler bed butted right up to the end of Brad and I's bed. We were in two separate beds, but close enough we could hold hands. Even though it set up a bad habit, I don't regret a minute of it. She NEEDED that. There was no way in Hades my kiddo was falling asleep when she first came home without some serious hand-holding, rocking, singing, more rocking, more hand-holding...
Anyway, to today - she just doesn't need it to be that intense anymore. She falls asleep at daycare fabulously, without a hitch. But, she still has a lingering fear of abandonment when Mom and Dad are involved, which has reared its ugly head in the form of potty accidents out of shear fright. (Breaks my heart when that happens... I'm never going to leave you, kiddo! I was just running downstairs to change the laundry loads...) So, though we decided I wasn't going to lay next to her and hold her hand anymore (provided way too many excuses for night-time entertainment just to stay awake) - I knew I had to stay in the room.Without further ado, here is our new bedtime schedule:
8:15 - All three of us upstairs, Tes brushes teeth and puts on pjs.
8:20 - A timer is set for 10 minutes, all three of us lay in the big bed playing whatever Tes wants to play or just cuddling.
8:30 - Timer goes off, Tes gets lots and lots of kisses, is put in her bed, and Mom plops her butt into a camping chair we've brought upstairs. I only respond to having to go potty. Otherwise, I just totally ignore the pleas for everything from a new blanket to bandaids (which for the first two nights was very, very difficult).
The first night (Sunday) was excruciating. For a full hour, she cried for Brad and I, and for me to lay in my bed next to her. It was more exhausting than the weekend of Mommy's tantrums. The second night was shorter, but proved to me how clever my little girl really is. Only 15 minutes of crying, but this time it was 'Mommy! Mommy! Kisses! *smooch* *smooch* Mommy! Kisses!' Oh yes, that is right. I had to resist my child begging for me to give her kisses, and just sit there in the dark. But she stopped well short of the hour Sunday took, and fell asleep within another 20 minutes. Yesterday, and today, there was no crying at all - so I feel we've sorta' reached our goal already - but it is still taking her an extraordinary amount of time to fall asleep. Like 45 minutes. She tosses and turns. Makes me wonder what is going through that little mind, what it is that is keeping her up at night. I hope it is not that she hopes and prays that her Mommy would come and hold her hand...
Peaceful sleeping to you.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Weekend Update in Pictures
Last weekend brought three days of camping fun with Auntie Kimby, and our good friends Lisa, Steve (now affectionately called 'Steve Bubbles' by Tesfanesh), and their little Ruby-Roo. Smores, tena in a tent, a train museum, and lots of hotdogs. What could be better?
Impromptu little baby prison
A kiss between two cute little campers
The adoring fans! They're just too much! Can't a girl just ever just relax in the woods without the paparazzi?
Daddy taking Mommy and Tesfu for a ride - getting water for the corn.
Impromptu little baby prison
Tesfu may have been a typical toddler and would not stay still in the other 45 minutes of the train museum tour - but she LOVED the model and watching it choo-choo around the track. More! More! Again! Please!
A kiss between two cute little campers
The adoring fans! They're just too much! Can't a girl just ever just relax in the woods without the paparazzi?
No more camping trips on the horizon, at least not for a while. I think we should try for at least one weekend where we are not covered in dirt and marshmallow goo.
Peace ~
Monday, July 14, 2008
Jinxing Myself
No time for the latest camping trip extravaganza update (I think she is going to start thinking camping is just what everyone does every weekend if we don't stop this soon!) because today I totally jinxed myself. DISCLAIMER: If squeamish - skip right to pictures. They're insanely cute.
So, I was honestly just thinking this morning as I sat at work, 'Tesfu has never thrown-up while in our care, not even when she was super-duper sick and the kind lady at the Nurse-Line had to talk me down from screaming HELP ME from the rooftop and activating the bat-signal when my little Tesfu had a fever of 105 (lesson learned: ear thermometers - not so accurate, stripping off clothes cooled her off fast). Maybe she is just one of those kids that never barf?' Do you see it coming? Yep, I agree. It is if I was asking for it. La-de-da, on with my day I go. We played in the sandbox after daycare, had a great dinner, went swimming at the Y, had a freezey-pop for a treat, and she feel asleep quickly and without a fuss. We hear a little cry, Brad goes up and sees she is still sound asleep. We think it must have been the TV. A few minutes later we hear a definite cry, my turn to go check. See it coming now? It starts with a little burp, ends with me finding out what she had for lunch at daycare. The problem lies in the pool, I think. A lot of water was accidentally ingested, because that kid is a fish just waiting to emerge. She wants to swim so badly, but just can't quite get the movements down.
Oh well, just another mommy milestone passed, I guess. At least I know she is eating well balanced meals.
A few pics from the weekend, bigger update to come once Auntie Kimby gets me her pictures:
Peace!
So, I was honestly just thinking this morning as I sat at work, 'Tesfu has never thrown-up while in our care, not even when she was super-duper sick and the kind lady at the Nurse-Line had to talk me down from screaming HELP ME from the rooftop and activating the bat-signal when my little Tesfu had a fever of 105 (lesson learned: ear thermometers - not so accurate, stripping off clothes cooled her off fast). Maybe she is just one of those kids that never barf?' Do you see it coming? Yep, I agree. It is if I was asking for it. La-de-da, on with my day I go. We played in the sandbox after daycare, had a great dinner, went swimming at the Y, had a freezey-pop for a treat, and she feel asleep quickly and without a fuss. We hear a little cry, Brad goes up and sees she is still sound asleep. We think it must have been the TV. A few minutes later we hear a definite cry, my turn to go check. See it coming now? It starts with a little burp, ends with me finding out what she had for lunch at daycare. The problem lies in the pool, I think. A lot of water was accidentally ingested, because that kid is a fish just waiting to emerge. She wants to swim so badly, but just can't quite get the movements down.
Oh well, just another mommy milestone passed, I guess. At least I know she is eating well balanced meals.
A few pics from the weekend, bigger update to come once Auntie Kimby gets me her pictures:
Seriously, Mom, you are SUPPOSED to get this dirty while camping.
I promise Tesfu is not stoned here. But, I won't promise it wouldn't have made the train museum a little bit better.
Peace!
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
I am: wasting time
I am: anxious, quiet, kind, and (usually) honest – but best of all a mother and wife
I think: people need to stop talking and start listening
I know: that a woodchuck would chuck all the wood he could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. Oh- and that you have to live in kindness to receive kindness in return.
I want: a houseful of kids (since this is just a silly wish - maybe I should add the words ‘well-behaved’...)
I have: more than I need
I wish: that everyone could have the same opportunities in life that I’ve taken for granted without knowing
I hate: tootsie-rolls and insincerity
I miss: having faith
I fear: debt, guns, and people with closed minds
I feel: most comfortable at home
I hear: the city outside
I smell: fresh as a daisy, I’m sure
I search: for a balance between work and life
I wonder: how this is all going to turn out
I regret: most things I’ve said in anger
I ache: to know what my daughter looked like as a baby, and to be able to talk to her mother one more time - I have so much more to say to her now...
I care: more than I ever thought I could
I always: brush my teeth before I shower
I am not: athletic or aggressive
I believe: in second chances
I dance: horribly
I sing: even worse (proof: I was once asked by a school choir teacher to please lip-synch during the concert)
I cry: at night
I don’t always: finish what I’ve started
I fight: unfairly – it is a trait I’m trying to fix
I write: to clear my mind
I win: rarely, but that’s okay
I lose: every month at my department’s on-going ‘Super Quiz’ game
I never: speak up first, even though sometimes I know I should…
I confuse: ‘than’ and ‘then’
I listen: carefully – because I confuse easily
I can usually be found: by calling my cell phone and asking where the heck I’m at
I am afraid of: the water
I need: lots of time to make a decision
I am happy about: life
I think: people need to stop talking and start listening
I know: that a woodchuck would chuck all the wood he could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. Oh- and that you have to live in kindness to receive kindness in return.
I want: a houseful of kids (since this is just a silly wish - maybe I should add the words ‘well-behaved’...)
I have: more than I need
I wish: that everyone could have the same opportunities in life that I’ve taken for granted without knowing
I hate: tootsie-rolls and insincerity
I miss: having faith
I fear: debt, guns, and people with closed minds
I feel: most comfortable at home
I hear: the city outside
I smell: fresh as a daisy, I’m sure
I search: for a balance between work and life
I wonder: how this is all going to turn out
I regret: most things I’ve said in anger
I ache: to know what my daughter looked like as a baby, and to be able to talk to her mother one more time - I have so much more to say to her now...
I care: more than I ever thought I could
I always: brush my teeth before I shower
I am not: athletic or aggressive
I believe: in second chances
I dance: horribly
I sing: even worse (proof: I was once asked by a school choir teacher to please lip-synch during the concert)
I cry: at night
I don’t always: finish what I’ve started
I fight: unfairly – it is a trait I’m trying to fix
I write: to clear my mind
I win: rarely, but that’s okay
I lose: every month at my department’s on-going ‘Super Quiz’ game
I never: speak up first, even though sometimes I know I should…
I confuse: ‘than’ and ‘then’
I listen: carefully – because I confuse easily
I can usually be found: by calling my cell phone and asking where the heck I’m at
I am afraid of: the water
I need: lots of time to make a decision
I am happy about: life
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Long Weekend...
Happy Fourth!
Our weekend camping trip brought us:
Our weekend camping trip brought us:
Our first DQ ice cream treat.
Climbing to the top of the monkey bar-thingy alone until Mommy freaked out and squeezed herself into the inside to hold her hands - 'cause that is what mommies are for.
View from the top.
Hanging out in Uncle Joe's truck with the cousins. It would be like a metal play-pen, if Hunter wasn't so fearless and can jump out himself.
She doesn't like watermelon - unless favorite cousin Hope is eating it, too!
The double-wide stroller makes sharing your milk very convenient.
Uncle Joe helping the kite fly.
All of this ultimately lead to to this:
Keeping with our current theme, we left the camping trip one day earlier than planned. Had a great time, but we were bite from head to toe with mosquitos, hot, and totally overwhelmed with the amount of people. Her face nearly hit her salad bowl at dinner, feel into a deep sleep before I could even get her hands washed, and snoozed nearly the whole 2.5 hour trip home.
Hope you had a wonderful fourth!
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