A few post down, I stated I’ve started to realize I see things a little differently than my ‘post-adoption-decision’ self. This is another example of that, one I’ve thought about for quite awhile, but wasn’t sure if I should talk about. Makes me feel awful, and that my love is conditional, but it is not, I swear! It just is an example of how your total thought process changes… well, I will just let you read it and decide if I am evil or not.
You know how when you are in the grocery store, and there is some runny-nosed kid pouting and screaming and trantruming, and you think to yourself “Glad that is not my kid!”? Admit it! I used to think that way, too, but now instead I get this weird, “Could I love you?” thought instead. It is like, now that I know my child will not biologically be a part of me, any random kid I run into could be a living example of what and who my child is, and I constantly feel the need to validate that fact that I am okay with that. I have no doubts I will love my child as fiercely as I would if I grew him myself, but still the fact that my child is as foreign to me at this point as the kid trantruming in the cereal isle (its always seems to be in the cereal isle...) is kind of a daunting thought.
I cannot look at my husband and mine’s baby pictures, and try to envision what kind of scrunchy baby face ours will have. I can’t close my eyes and try to predict what features s/he will have, who they will resemble when they are older. Therefore, now any child of color who happens to walk in my path, I feel the need to study. Will my child’s hair be soft ringlets like this little boy, or more textured like this one? It is like a disease.
On the other side of the story, it also makes me a little sad for my future child. S/he also will not be able to look at us as his parents, and see what s/he will look like as they grow old. Unless the agency can give us pictures of the birth parents or relatives, it will be a complete mystery to him.
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2 comments:
Bethie, about loving a child throwing a tantrum in a grocery store: When you are growing the baby inside yourself, you still have those questions. You wonder if you will be a good mom, if you will love that new little one as much as it must take to love a slobbery, tantrum-y child. Oh my gosh! What kind of woman will I be if I can't love my own kid? But you do--hearts open when a little one is put into your arms.
And so will you. Children are a blessing, no matter which way they arrive into a family.
I have all the faith in the world that you and Brad are going to be wonderful parents. With big hearts who will love this little child with dark skin and curly hair, and say (when that child smiles at you) Look--she smiles just like her mommy! Oh, he runs just like his daddy. You will see--welcome to parenthood--the place where you question everything you feel and do, but you bumble through with love and do just fine!
Oh no-let's hope your child doesn't run like Brad! Just kidding Brad-I'm sure you can beat me in a foot race any day.
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