Not Enough

If you are curious what we were doing on this day one year ago, refresh yourself and go here. Wowza, one year! How it flies.

Since we are approaching our one year mark, I have been looking through our home videos and pictures taken over this last 365 days. How lovely it is to reminisce! And how amazing it is to see how far we have come in such a short time. I am indeed a blessed woman.

Looking back on these pictures of Ethiopia, though, brings my heart back to another place, too, lying right beneath the surface. Brad and I have been talking on and off (well, okay, let’s be perfectly honest here - I have been talking at Brad) for awhile now about the ‘sibling situation’. As in, siblings are great – we both love ours (especially those siblings of ours that read this blog *wink*wink*) so… what about Tes? Is she to have a sibling, or is our little happy family of three enough?

And there in lies the question… enough. Where to start? Not enough time, not enough money, not enough me to go around. Not enough room, not enough space in our fantastic-would-not-dream-of-taking-Tes-out-of daycare, (did I mention not enough money?), not enough faith.
Then again, when will it be enough? How will I know when we have hit that waterline? I have a cell phone, a gym membership, cable tv, two computers, and a $400 camera. Not enough? I have a house with a yard, a dishwasher, two cars and a steady job. Not enough? In the US, I was given the opportunity to seek a higher education, I have medical care, a constant supply of clean water, and enough food to feed my family three times a day. Still not enough? I could eat five times a day, six times a day, all day long if I wanted. Ridiculous, yes? Enough?

One year ago, in the orphanage, my daughter had access to some of that. They gave her medical care, three meals a day and powdered milk, and access to a tv for the first time in her life. Six months prior to that, she had a mother that loved her beyond all odds. She did not, however, have enough food, clean water, or access to doctors. This has left her with dainty, beautiful little scars from traditional medical procedures to ‘let the disease out’ – delicate, perfect little reminders of her Ethiopian Mother’s love and quest to be enough for her.

Life sure kicks you in the ass sometimes, doesn’t it?

So here I sit. I know there is room in my heart for another, it is for certain. In fact, it is waiting. We would be privileged to have another little tummy with us at the dinner table, another warm body between us at story time, another heart to beat along with mine. Which leads me to the question that has been plaguing my heart since about four months home with Tes… How do I reconcile the ‘American-Wants-and-Not-Enoughs’ in my mind that follow us here from billboard to tv to magazine; with the feeling of ‘I have enough, in fact, I have more to give’ that sits in my soul and screams? Truly, adoption is a major financial undertaking. Given the current market, there is absolutely no way we could do another home equity line, which is how we brought our Tesfanesh home, which we are, of course, still plugging away at. I have found some grants are out there, but they seem very elusive, especially in today’s tight-everywhere economy. To top it off, most need certification from your church of your Christianly goodness, so uhhh... yeah, we are out.

Surrounded by my material stuff overflowing I sit, but with a piece of my soul empty, wanting to reach out to another soul, a new child. All while thinking about a beautiful woman half way around the world, empty of material possessions, with a piece of her soul also missing, wanting to reach out to another soul, her child she had to let go.